Want hotter sex, a better bond with your partner, or all of the above? Before you even test drive a new position or call in a toy for backup, it’s worth having a sexy Q and A sesh with your partner.
But you can leave questions like, “What’s your favourite position?” to the rookies. Instead, bookmark these sexologist-approved Qs for some heated conversation. Here we go!
HOW DO YOU LIKE TO MASTURBATE?
This one might seem super-private, says Emily Morse, Ph.D., host of the Sex With Emily podcast. But knowing what kinds of toys your partner uses, and how they stimulate themselves, can give you a clear idea of how to please each other, she explains. Is he into prostate stimulation? Does she use lube and a finger vibrator? “It’s like a road map to pleasure,” Morse says. The next step is to try some mutual masturbation so you can watch and learn, Morse suggests. “Mutual masturbation is one of my favourite kinds of foreplay because it’s educational and a huge turn-on at the same time,” she says.
WHAT’S YOUR HOTTEST SEXUAL FANTASY?
Not every fantasy is something we actually want to happen IRL, says Morse. Take a threesome, for example. If your partner imagines themselves involved in one, find out specifics about the fantasy: Who’s the third party? What’s the setting? What positions do you try? You can still act out a threesome with just the two of you by talking about it during sex, says Morse. “This can actually be way safer and hotter than the actual menage a trois.”
WHAT TURNS YOU ON?
Before you can have mind-blowing sex with your partner, you need to define what that means for yourself, Morse says. “Having this conversation with a partner is an effective jumping-off point for getting the sex you truly want,” Morse says. By being prepared to answer this question before you ask your partner, you’ll get his mind working on how to please you, she says.
“If you get to talking in an intimate setting, it’ll definitely set you both on track to hit all the right sexual buttons,” Morse says.
HOW DO YOU LIKE TO BE TOUCHED?
This is perhaps one of the most important things to get feedback on, says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., and a certified sex therapist and marriage and family counsellor. Many men prefer a stronger, massage-like caress, she explains. Women may prefer long strokes or light touch, she says. “It’s also important to know how a person likes to be touched on their non-erogenous zones versus how they like their genitals touched,” she says. “The best route to better, hotter, more connected sex is to know what you like, and ask for it.”
WHAT KIND OF SEX ARE YOU IN THE MOOD FOR?
Sometimes one partner may need to be nurtured to feel intimately connected, Richmond says. “That may require slower intercourse with lots of stroking and cuddling, maybe even loving words exchanged,” she says. Other times, the couple may feel a need for more adventurous, passionate intercourse, which could mean rougher, faster sex and dirty talk, she says.
Sex therapist Gloria Brame, Ph.D., says letting your partner know upfront what kind of sex you’re in the mood for allows him to adjust to you. “Women are often afraid to ask for what they want, but most men are more than happy to play along,” Brame says. And that means better orgasms all around, she says.
DO YOU LIKE SEX TOYS?
Real talk: Some men think sex toys are an insult to their package, says Brame. But many women don’t orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. “If you plan to stay with your partner, you need to help him get past his toy aversion,” she says. If he’s hesitant, just tell him that vibrators are a normal enhancement in coupled sex that make for a more orgasmic, intimate experience. How could he not want to give it a try?
WHERE ARE THE MOST SENSITIVE PARTS OF YOUR BODY?
Make a mental map of your personal hotspots and share it with your lover when you’re in bed, Brame says. Whether that’s your neck or upper thighs, tell him where you want more stimulation.
This article originally appeared on Women’s Health
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