'I Used To Work As A Dominatrix – Here’s What I Learned'

If there’s one thing that working as a professional dominatrix taught me, it’s that men worry too much about sexual fantasies.

You can’t seem to shake the archaic idea that sex is something men “do” to women; that women keep men and their filthy side “in check”.

It’s simply not true. We’re just as filthy as you. In fact, stats from Lovehoney suggest 45 per cent of women want sex more often than men.

Here’s how to tap into that urge.

Let the experiments begin.

CAN YOUR FANTASY HANDLE REALITY?

Before you share it, you need to figure out how much you and your partner have in common. Start by reading the filthy bits of erotic stories to one another. You’ll get an idea of what gets her hot. If she recoils, that doesn’t mean it’s a no-go – you just have to approach with caution.

The conversation is best had remotely. Do it over text. Start by sending her a link to one of the stores. Then cut and paste the bit that gets you going and encourage her to do the same. Besides saving embarrassment if either one of you has misjudged the other’s turn-ons, it ramps up the anticipation if you’ve found common ground. 

THE NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE

Let’s start with the basics. Porn sites might seem ideal for inspiration, but they’re concerned with promotion, not education. Use kinseyconfidential.org – the best sexual exploration site on the net – when researching ideas for your fantasy. As well as dealing with the basics, it offers frank answers to big questions such as: “Got condoms and lube; anything else I need for anal?”

For advice in acting it out, books are ideal. They go into more detail than any website can. Try Wild Side Sex by Midori for an intro to fetish, or The Ultimate Guide to Kink by Tristan Taormino if you’re not sure what you fancy – it’s a whistle-stop tour of sexy subjects.

NOW GET DOWN TO IT

It’s all about preparation, especially if you’re experimenting. If you’re trying a threesome – the most common male fantasy – abide by the rules: never include someone you know (use swapscene.com or CraigsList); use a fake name; and meet on neutral ground. Not only will booking a hotel add to the sense of fun, it means associations aren’t created with spaces where you usually do your business. This is a fantasy – keep it that way.

So you’ve done the research – now for your play date. A drink to relax is good; getting sloshed is not. When the action starts, introduce a scale. Barker suggests asking your partner to rate how she feels from 1-10. Fantasy enactment increases the potential for confusion, especially if the fantasy involves serious misbehaviour or physical pain.


THE AFTERMATH

Over the following days, keep checking in with your partner to make sure she feels okay – particularly if you’re hoping it’ll happen again. Do it by text or email in the first instance, but bear in mind she’ll be unwilling to use her work email to detail how she enjoyed being bound and gagged. Take her out, have a few drinks and chat about it. Under no circumstance should it resemble an army debrief.

Depending on the activity, there may be some physical repercussions (spanking marks can hang around for days).

If you’ve followed correct procedure, you will have unlocked a side to her you only hoped existed. But be careful what you wish for: I once kicked a man so hard in the crotch with the sharp end of my stiletto he had to go to ED. That certainly wasn’t in the script.

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