“No one has a right to be loved”
SPIEGEL ONLINE: Mr Jellouschek, why do we have such a great fear of separation and loss?
Jellouschek: Any separation of injured basic needs. We all seek two things in life: autonomy on the one hand, and to secure bond on the other. Through a separation or divorce, the basic need to be bound will be violated.
SPIEGEL ONLINE: Is not all of it better, as unhappy to be bound?
Jellouschek: Even the worst relationship in which the love is already lost, meets a lot of needs: Always is someone there, I have support, I’m maybe married and with my Partner as a Couple established. With a separation, I feel all of a sudden a loss of status. I now need to meet all the everyday things alone. Someone knocked very on autonomy, marvels in this situation, perhaps, is that independence can alone be tilting. It’s a fragile transitional phase that many look back begins.
SPIEGEL ONLINE: it Is not necessary to solve to be able to?
Jellouschek: A while already, but you should in no case become entangled. A lot of people, solve a separation through life, make the other allegations, to easier. But in reality, this is a unfavorable strategy. Because it is the Ex-Partner thereby more intimately connected, than it was as a Couple, maybe. You put yourself in the victim role, mired in the past.
SPIEGEL ONLINE: Who tends more to the Prosecutor: men or women?
Jellouschek: It always comes down to the individual case. Often, there are more women who write for years after a separation the man is solely to blame. Some men do not reflect, however, really. You plunge into something New, from the partners to break away. Also this is a very bad strategy. This way you can screw up the Learning and a new separation experience.
SPIEGEL ONLINE: Some couples make the life a living hell and avoid the separation.
Jellouschek: Yes, at a high price, because the delay of a separation is a mistake. I shut my eyes to the reality of the situation and stay in a relationship that is blocking me. I need to hide a large part of my feelings, and I’m always less than a living, sentient Person responsive.
SPIEGEL ONLINE: What do you have in your years as a couple therapist on the love learned?
Jellouschek: Above all: There is no compensation in love and no justice. Someone who is resentful of the others, calls for justice, but when the love is gone, she’s gone. No one has a right to be loved love is a gift. Of course things like maintenance and handling need to be regulated. But that is a whole other level, many confuse the. If the Ex-Partner make to each other by material receivables or a war of the roses, life is hard, it is psycho-dynamically to the desire for compensation, to not more loved.
SPIEGEL ONLINE: you argue in your new book, to grieve, and the pain.
Jellouschek: If you process the grief and the Regret that an important person is no longer in your own life, not allow, to prevent the detachment. Feelings are an essential part of letting go. You should be honest to yourself and the loss to admit.
SPIEGEL ONLINE: you write of crashes, departures. Who is currently in a divorce process, it is because laughter is probably bitter.
Jellouschek: people in the eyes of a dead love-closed, also have very much vitality is lost and frozen lived. Myself has helped with all my separations, the trust that life thinks it is basically good with me. If I live through the pain, I am back alive, I can feel again. After the Mourning, I propose the possibility of side, from the back view, the view is to the front.
SPIEGEL ONLINE: What kind of separations you have experienced?
Jellouschek: My second wife died, my first wife and I divorced. In the case of a divorce, mutual injuries from the past play a large role. In the process of Forgiveness is very important. Forgiveness is an act of the will, I may need to draw more often. To me it’s all the better, the less I the other amendments. I have no claims anymore, the thing is completely done.
SPIEGEL ONLINE: What should be-separated partners with children to pay attention to?
Jellouschek: you should be clear that Parenthood and romantic love are two different things. For the children, they remain the common parent. The couple’s relationship is over, the Parenting. Both bear responsibility for the children. If we have unleashed on some level, it is easier to keep together for the children.
SPIEGEL ONLINE: Has the society changed something?
Jellouschek: That both parents for the children responsibility, is today much stronger in the consciousness and self-evident. Even Ex-partners make to each other today in front of the children less bad. This would benefit everyone.
SPIEGEL ONLINE: How do you make people to have the courage, the straight line through a divorce go?
Jellouschek: So painful every separation is: at some point I realize that the safety of the “Gobi’s desert”, so I call the carelessly become old relationship that is no longer used. And I recognize the outline of a new promised Land with more Abundance, more love and vitality. This is the new beginning.
Documentary: What to do if it is serious? Discontinued Model Marriage
