Why Orgasms Matter Way Less Than You Think
“Did you come?” Most of us have either uttered or heard these words postcoital. In the early days of my sexual adventures, there were many times I’d answer that question enthusiastically for my lovers, even if it wasn’t the truth.
I’d lie about having an orgasm because I wanted my partners to know that I’d had fun with them and felt pleasure, and I didn’t think they’d understand that if they knew I hadn’t come. I grew up with minimal sex education, so I thought that orgasm equaled pleasure — I thought that without orgasms, I was broken or incapable of having good sex. I’ve since learned how far from the truth this idea was.
When the anticipation of orgasm becomes the primary focus of sex, it’s hard to realize that your body is actually experiencing so much pleasure throughout the entire experience. For instance, that graze of your partner’s hand along the back of your knee? So erotic and powerful. However, you might not have even noticed it because you were so in your head about when you were both going to come.
That’s just one reason why it’s time to flip the narrative to something that centers the focus on the entirety of sex instead of just orgasms. Let’s explore the idea and the fact that everybody experiences pleasure in vastly different ways.
No Orgasm? No Problem
Some people don’t want to (or can’t) orgasm — and that's perfectly OK. Your body is not broken and you can still have a fulfilling sex life filled with pleasure and sensuality. Many people have simply never had an orgasm from either masturbation or partner sex and still have fulfilling sex lives. If this sounds like you, it doesn’t mean your sex drive is null or that your clitoris or penis is broken.
There’s nothing shameful about the ways you experience sexual pleasure, though they probably look a little different than some of your partners. People who don’t have orgasms often go through so much stress from friends, doctors, and society chasing down answers about their body, when it’s really quite simple. You are a healthy sexual being and you can feel immense pleasure without an orgasm.
Orgasms Can Be Painful
For some, orgasms can actually be painful, and not in an enjoyable way. While that experience can feel isolating, it has a name. Painful orgasms for people with vulvas can be the result of a condition called dysorgasmia — which usually feels like intense cramping, pain, or discomfort in your pelvic muscles during or after orgasm.
“It’s definitely something you should see a doctor about, orgasms shouldn’t be painful — in fact, I use orgasms to treat pain like intense menstrual cramps,” Hilda Hutcherson, professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Columbia University Vagelos College of Physicians and Surgeons, tells Allure. “It almost always represents some physical abnormality. Some of the most common reasons include endometriosis, pelvic infection, ovarian cysts, fibroid tumors, or adhesions.” Many of these are curable and it’s possible you could experience a non-painful orgasm after speaking with your doctor about treatment plans.
Hutcherson went on to explain how tightened pelvic floor muscles can also cause intense pain during orgasm as your pelvic floor supports all your internal organs. She noted that pelvic floor physical therapy can be a huge help for people who struggle with painful orgasms for this reason.
Sex headaches can also be orgasm-induced. And while they usually aren’t cause for serious medical concern, a splitting headache right after you come kind of takes away from the moment and makes it difficult to even remember that sex is supposed to be pleasurable. That pleasure is kind of the entire point. “Some kinds of sex headaches are from tension because some women tighten up their neck and shoulder muscles during sex. I usually tell these women to take something like Tylenol [acetaminophen] or ibuprofen an hour before having sex and work on relaxing throughout sex,” Hutcherson says.
Different kinds of sex headaches may happen to people who regularly experience migraines outside of sex — to which Hutcherson recommends taking a migraine medication an hour before sex. While sex headaches are benign, Hutcherson still recommends seeing your doctor about any pain you’re experiencing during sex. “I think that sex should always be pleasurable,” she tells Allure.
Hutcherson also tells me that though women are raised to feel like sex is a “man’s thing” and that women’s pleasure is shameful or something to feel guilty about, that is far from the truth. She says that women who struggle with this ideology often find it difficult to orgasm, but therapy can be a helpful tool when it comes to working through these issues.
Remove Your Ego from the Equation
It’s hard not to feel like it’s about you or your performance in the bedroom when your partner doesn’t have an orgasm. Sex is about mutual pleasure, and we should want our partners to feel as much pleasure as we want to feel ourselves. That shared energy of knowing you both just had an incredible sexual experience is like a natural high. If your partner tells you they had an amazing romp with you, trust what they say — yes, even if they didn’t come. They know their body and what they’ve just experienced better than you do. Wanting your partner to experience sexual pleasure should not be confused or conflated with them having an orgasm.
This takes intentional work, though. It can be easy to feel like a failure in bed when our culture prioritizes orgasm above the overall experience of sexual pleasure. If that’s where you are with how you view sex, it may be time to remove your ego from the equation. Your ego serves you in many different aspects of your life, but having a sexual ego can get in the way of truly connecting with your partner(s). It means that when you’re having sex, you’re likely more focused on your performance than your partner’s pleasure. If your brain is preoccupied with these pressures, how can you even begin to think about the sex you’re having?
When you let go of the performance aspect of sex, you might be surprised by what happens. Sex is raw and messy and body fluids get all over the place and your hair will get messed up and your lipstick might smudge and yes, someone might queef or fart. That’s kind of the beauty of it all, when you let go of the performance or the anticipation of orgasm — what you’re left with is the real, raw, uninhibited kind of sex where your desires come naturally and pleasure is constant.
Refocus Your Conversation
Talking about the sex you’re having before, during, and after the fact will help not only better understand what gives you both pleasure, but will also ease the anxiety that’s making it difficult to enjoy every touch. Before you begin sex you can talk about what’s on your yes, no, and maybe list and delve into what kind of sex you’re in the mood for that night (i.e. do you want to have kinky sex? Intimate sensual touching? Soft or hard touch?).
The next time you have sex, try asking your partner to describe the sensations of their pleasure as you go down on them or finger them or fuck them. All bodies are different and feel sensations in their own unique ways — it’s sexy to hear exactly how your partner experiences pleasure. You might describe an orgasm like a firework while others describe it as an ocean wave crashing down on the shore. It’s also great to practice verbally describing the sensations your body feels during sex. Whisper them in your partner’s ear — it’s OK if your sentences get interrupted with moans of pleasure.
Aftercare is another vital part of prioritizing pleasure in our sex lives. Check in with your partner(s) post-romp and ask them what they like, what didn’t feel as great, what they want to try again, and how they’re feeling. This keeps the dialogue open to not only learn from each other’s bodies but also to let your partners know that you genuinely care about their pleasure.
Let Your Expectations Go
If you want to orgasm every time you have sex because that’s what gives you the most pleasure, then, by all means, you should. I’m not advocating against orgasms. Sexual pleasure comes in many different shapes and sizes — there are times I feel completely fulfilled after my partner gives me a sensual massage; other times all I want is to go down on them; sometimes I really crave that orgasmic release for myself. Our sexualities have an ebb and flow, like every other part of our lives.
But when you’re only expending energy thinking about very specific expectations, there’s no room for magical surprises to come at you. Like, maybe you had no intention of squirting but your partner just made a river come out of you. Um, that’s amazing. Leaving room for new experiences with pleasure outside of orgasming will not only keep you on your toes about your own sexuality, but it will also have you feeling more excited to have sex with your partner next time. The anticipation will be more focused around connecting with them.
The goal with this work of prioritizing pleasure is to ensure that everyone can fully enjoy their sexual being while not constantly obsessing over when they’re going to come. You get to feel the graze of your lover’s hand along your thigh and moan in pleasure because you weren’t preoccupied with wondering when your orgasm is going to happen. Suddenly, every touch is a new chance to exchange an incredible rush of pure bliss. There’s so much to explore when we decenter orgasms and embrace every sensual touch we share with our partners.
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