A Step-by-Step Guide to the Morning After
A lot of men only plan a date right up until the bedroom, but the morning after you sleep with someone is just as important as everything that comes before. (Maybe not as important as foreplay—never skimp on foreplay.)
Here are four easy hacks to ensure your sleepover ends on a high note.
Brush Your Teeth
So many ungodly things happen in your mouth during the night. Before you even think of morning sexing me, brush your teeth. (Bonus points if you keep a spare, unopened toothbrush around for lady guests to use.) My least favorite kind of sex is the kind where we’re both trying to keep our smelly morning mouths out of each other’s faces, so we end up looking away from each other like slow-dancing middle schoolers. I know it feels really romantic to just sort of roll into each other right after you wake up, but I guarantee no woman will begrudge you for dashing to the bathroom to brush your teeth. And while you’re in there, put on some deodorant: Whenever I cuddle with a guy my face inevitably ends up in his armpit. They say that the pheromones in your man musk are really attractive to women. They are wrong.
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Leave (For a Few Minutes)
Cooking is like typing in that as soon as someone hot is watching you do it, you start to mess everything Up. I’m a really good cook when conditions are perfect, but whenever I set out to prepare breakfast for a guy I get so flustered that it usually ends in tragedy: flaccid bacon, burnt toast, dry eggs. Then we both have to sit and eat it in silence while I spiral, convinced that he’s judging me for my domestic shortcomings. I am just as impressed when a man runs out to collect breakfast. I love bagels. I also love having 15 minutes to myself while you’re out to fix the post-morning sex bird’s nest that has formed in the back of my hair. Bonus: I’m always really flattered when a guy thinks I’m trustworthy enough to be alone in his home. It’s the same thrill I get when I’m in a bar with a guy and he puts his card down to pay and then runs off to the bathroom—I would never actually steal it, but I could.
Wrap it Up
The “hug-and-roll” was piloted by Ross in Friends as a tactic for putting cuddling to an end when you want to go to sleep: You hug your bedfellow, then roll her gently over to her side of the bed. Then you move back to your side. She feels warm and fuzzy from the hug and you get your space. I’ve found that the basic principles of the hug-and-roll have infinite applications. When you’re ready for someone to leave your home, for instance, don’t say “Welp, I have some errands to do.” Even if you really do have errands to do, that sounds cold. It’s a roll without a hug. Instead, couch your excuse with something warm and fuzzy: “I really wish we could hang all day, but I have to do [insert boring solitary activity here.]”
If she doesn’t take the hint, stand up. Don’t start doing anything. Just stand there. Standing up is the physical equivalent of a long pause in a conversation. Eventually she’ll get so uncomfortable that she moves to leave.
Summon a Carriage
When I’m really tired and/or hungover from our sleepover, and really full from the bagels you got me, the second-sexiest thing you can say is, “Can I put you in an Uber?” (The first sexiest thing you can say is “Can I drive you home?”) Much like how paying for dinner can absolve a lot of date sins, when you make sure a woman gets home comfortably in the morning, you’re also making sure she leaves with a good impression.
As long as you brushed your teeth.
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